Bow Wow’s momanager, Teresa Caldwell discusses surviving abuse, Taste Boutique, and the re-release of her novel “I Once Was Her.“
At one point in your book you mentioned that abuse is all your mother had known and to some intent, do you feel that way for yourself? If so, how have you given yourself grace through that?
In my younger years, I ended up being my mother. I ended up attracting men who abused me. So for me, I never wanted to be anything like my mother and I never wanted to date anyone like the guys she dated. I remember one morning when it was pretty bad and I was like “Man, I am my mother and I am dating the guys that she used to date.” At that point, that last beating, when I looked like the elephant man’s sister, that was the day when I was like enough is enough. For me going forward in my dating life, I put it on the table. I was like “I’m a survivor. I will not tolerate any type of abuse. I don’t care if it’s verbal, physical, mental, any. Because I’m the girl that will call the police on you!” I made it clear that I will not tolerate that. I also have a therapist. I think for me, in my journey, healing was God and having a therapist. I know a lot of people in the Black community really don’t believe in therapists, especially our Black men. But, I think, if it’s something we can afford, everyone needs a therapist. Therapists and God!
You said a common thing was not wanting to be like your mom, and in speaking on therapy, there’s a lot of talks about mothering ourselves — just kind of speaking to that inner child in us, even as adults. What are some ways you show up and mother yourself?
I think we all have an alter ego. Mine is Renee. Renee protects Teresa. Renee is totally the opposite of me. Renee don’t play! Teresa is really nice. Teresa is the one that is like “Okay, I will do whatever!” But then Renee is like “Nah girl, don’t do that! That’s wrong. You should have never done that.” Teresa is like ”But you know she didn’t really mean it.” Then Renee is like “Yes she did! She said it. She meant it.” With my alter ego, I think Renee protects Teresa. I’m really nice. That’s a weakness of mine. So again with me having a therapist, my therapist taught me to not be mean but to be firm. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, because I think hurt people hurt people and I’m not that girl. I’m not her anyone. I care about people’s feelings. I always make sure the way I say things and present things, I make sure I do it in a loving way. I think it’s for deliverance. I’m very cautious about that. Because I don’t want anybody to go through what I went through. I think when you’ve healed, you don’t want people to feel that same pain. Like with abandonment, I tell everybody this, abandoned people abandon things. I had issues with abandonment. I abandoned everything. But now, I know to deal with it, because I know what it feels like to be abandoned.
Let’s say you’re talking with someone who is actively in an abusive relationship and they may not notice the signs or the abuse, what is something that you would say to them to help them through the process to the point of moving on?
First of all, you have to get to really know your self-worth. You have to also understand that love is not pain. If you were my friend or somebody that’s going through an abusive relationship and I saw the signs, I would be like “That’s a sign of abuse.” It could be verbal or mental; abuse.” I would be like “You are better than this. Know your self-worth.” I think when you know yourself-worth and when you truly, truly love yourself, you can see those signs. I think a lot of us don’t really know how to love ourselves. We haven’t been taught to love ourselves or how to do it. When you haven’t been taught the true way to love and how love really feels, I think you don’t really see those things. I know I wasn’t taught that, so I didn’t see the signs. I thought, because I saw my mother go through this, that was a sign of love. I thought love was pain, because that’s all I saw. I thought, “Ok, he’s not hitting me or cursing me or saying these mean things to me, that means he doesn’t love me.” I thought if he slapped me or was mad enough to do that, that meant he cares. I also tell women once they disrespect you one time and you let them get away with it, they’ll definitely do it again. I can only speak from my past experiences and once my abuser hit me one time and I let him get away with it, he did it again and again. That’s not love! Love is not pain!
In your book, you talked about moving onto and getting into “healthier” relationships. At what point did you put the onus on you and you start to implement a healthy lifestyle — i.e. going to therapy?
So my ex-husband was not an abuser. He was not the one that abused me. I just wanted to put that out there. I can’t say anything bad about him, but what he did. For me, it was me truly wanting something better for myself. It was me truly understanding love. And it was me, also, as a child of God, knowing that’s not what God wanted for me. There was something better for me. I had to learn to be patient. I did a lot of soul searching. I’ve always, always been a believer in God — even ‘till this day. I think if I didn’t have my spiritual foundation, I couldn’t be who I am today. That’s what really helped me. Also, my therapist. I made sure I got a licensed — she’s a doctor — therapist, who believed. I needed someone who believed in Christ. I didn’t need the homegirl. I’m not knocking the life coaches. But, I wanted someone who had their PhD in this, because it’s hard. And again, I made sure I got someone who had a spiritual background because I needed to do it in a spiritual way.
One of your friends mentioned that you are quick to forgive, what does forgiveness look like for you — down to your mom through all of the relationships?
I wasn’t always quick to forgive. What happened to me: I felt like if I didn’t forgive, I felt like I was the one in prison. Because when we don’t forgive, we’re the one that’s sitting back in pain. You can look at them and they’re just living their lives. I felt like I was behind this wall. I really couldn’t live up to my true potential in life and in myself, if I didn’t forgive my mother. I had to dig deep and before my mother passed; I forgave her and my mother finally said she was sorry. We spent the last 6 months of her life in a great place, because I was able to forgive her. I think when we don’t forgive, we’re the ones in prison. Now, I’m not going to say I forget. It’s okay to forgive, but we never forget. I don’t believe in bringing your past to your present. It’s your past. We can remember it, but we can’t bring it to our present, because we’re not there anymore. That’s why I say, I once was her. I’m not her anymore. Even with me relaunching my book, I had to reread my book. I’m not going to lie, the first chapter was hard. In my mind I was like “Oh God, I have to relive this all again?” Then I was like “No, no, no, you once were her. That’s your past. That’s not your present.” So I was able to read the book and it didn’t bother me at all. I once was her, but not anymore, so I can talk about it.
I’m glad you experienced that. That’s an important one. That’s a big step!
That’s a big one! Because sometimes we feel like if we have to go back to our pain, that we’re still in it, but we’re not in that anymore.
I know you touched on it briefly when we started, but how has the book been therapeutic for you?
Oh, my God! For me to finally be able to write it. For me to finally be able to tell my story. For me to relive that, and it was hard in the beginning, just to see where I was and now where I’m at. It took me to go through all of that to get me where I am today. It took me to be strong. It took me to be a warrior. It took me to be a survivor. It took me to be a fighter. A lot of people end up being just like their parents. They bring that into their personal lives. That’s what they’re used to, because that’s how they grew up. I wanted to be better! I wanted to be better than what I experienced. I took all of those experiences and turned them into lessons learned and I healed from them. I really did, because it was really tough! To even date, it was tough. I attracted abusers. You attract who you are, you know? ! I noticed as I started to heal, I attracted different people. I also noticed when they did something I didn’t like, I was able to communicate better. Another thing I do, I let a person know how whatever they said made me feel. I think it’s unfair to not let the person know how what they said hurt our feelings. Sometimes, someone will be like “Girl, I’m not going to address that. Whatever!” No, I’m going to address that. I think it’s unfair to the other person, if we don’t express how they made us feel. I do that even with my girlfriends.
There were different quotes throughout the book relating to choices and like you said, we attract these things into our life. There were some choices that you made that were unfavorable, in the beginning, and your son, Bow Wow, was there to experience those choices. But then, there was this amazing transition, wherein you began to make better choices. Because of that shift, he has become one of the biggest stars ever. What did that dynamic look like for you?
In the beginning, it was really tough, because I had to make some tough decisions so he could be who he is today. I had to allow him to go and be with Jermaine on summer breaks and spring breaks. He wanted to do that. I had to really dig deep. Jermaine and them will tell you I asked a lot of questions, because I had to get to know them. I allowed my son to go and stay with them and I didn’t really know them like that. I met Jermaine’s mom. I prayed about it. Thank God for sending me all the great people, who I was able to trust. I don’t do anything without praying and that’s honest to God. That was really hard, because that’s my baby. That’s all I had. But, I saw so much potential in him. I knew he was a star.
In allowing his growth and transformation and dreams to manifest, you also have allowed those things for yourself. One of your friends mentioned that she met you at your boutique and that you have a passion for fashion! Can you tell me a little bit more about Taste Boutique?
I have always loved, loved fashion! Fashion and interior design are my things. I think fashion goes with interior design. So, I was a stylist in LA. Then I moved to Atlanta and when I came here, I noticed there were no showrooms for me to pull these clothes. Oh my God! What was I going to do? So, I opened a small, neighborhood store and we grew from there. Now, I have a lifestyle store. I am the founder of Taste Boutique and I also co-own with Michael Elliot. I was going to do it on a smaller level and he was like “No, you have to do this on a bigger level!” I was like “If, I’m going to do this, then I have to do something different.” So, we created a lifestyle boutique. We sell women and men’s apparel, home decor and gifts. We built the store from the ground up in a beautiful area. It’s a place that’s so Zen and peaceful. When you come in, I want people to feel the energy, because I’m an energy person.
Oh, that’s awesome! Thank you so much for talking with us!
Thank you so much and taking out the time to interview me. You have a beautiful day!
Sciler Williams
