R. Kelly can’t seem to stay out of the news since the release of “Surviving R Kelly”, a docu-series that sent the country spinning as women came forward with horrific stories that penetrated our minds with images we will not soon forget.
As humans, we hear something as startling as this R Kelly scandal, and what do we look at? Who do we instinctually defend while trying to listen compassionately? Do we look at the victims and search for holes in their stories that could potentially free a potential celebrity from, let’s be honest, a life-altering, career-ending accusation? Or, do we look at the aggressor? Our possible idol? Kelly has a magnetic attraction with people from our generation. He’s earned more, traveled more and lives a lifestyle most could only dream about.
However, what is it that makes some men comfortable and downright complicit with R Kelly’s absolute moral failure?
I get it. He had relationship quarrels, you related. You listened to his music, you mirrored his fashion styles. He was an inspiration to you in many ways. Head to toe, the “life”, the success, the attitude… We get it. He was your thing.
So often when women are scared to come forward, with any sort of abuse, it is from fear that their abuser’s personality, behavior in public, job title, and of course behavior amongst friends, are SO opposite of the emotional, physical or sexual harm he so easily dished out. Honestly, the victims almost don’t believe the abuse happened themselves.
Cue the concealer on that black eye
So, the women continue on and on in this cycle of taking the abuse, trying to reach out, not being believed, covering it up to reduce the impact on the relationship, and finally falling for the oh so comforting, “I love you too much for you to leave. I will change. I have to change.”
Unfortunately, it’s not long before the abuser catches wind of the attitude, the side eye from friends and family, etc. That’s when the victim has to placate not only her abuser but also his being uncomfortable with her reaching out to friends and family for help and support. He will find it disrespectful that she could have potentially exposed him. He will find many ways to spin this and blame her for the increasing tension. Damage control begins.
Girl, I get it. He supports your vices. His image offers luxuries that you’ve always dreamed of, that you used to just chat about with your friends on the rooftop over wine. Some of you may be too young to drink but you feel safe with him. You are honored to be in his presence. He’ll tell you that you have amazing taste, but he’s just studying you.
How could you flip on him when he shows an unhealed dark side after he listened and was so generous to get you things you could never save up for at your age? How could you expose his dark side when he wants a life with you? He loves your taste and surprises you with gifts accordingly. How thoughtless and impulsive you feel? How selfish he says you are? You’ve ruined everything.
The guilt becomes a seat belt. It seeps deep into your identity until it feels like it cannot be removed. The paralyzing depression has arrived. Separated from your truth, you part ways from your life, friends, school. You stopped anything healthy and of benefit to your life. More guilt. Now you’re a slave.
Where are you going to go? With what energy? With what money? And, with whose permission? You’ve already proven that you can’t be trusted. He has eyes everywhere. People are dying to be his biggest confidant, who can you trust? You are constantly on thin ice and trying to prove yourself.
The sociopathic predator has worked you into exactly what he wants you to be. You were prey. He showed you what he wanted to show you and controls what you hear about him. There’s no warning when he shows his true self. There’s no limit to what he will say and do to cover his tracks. Taking up for him no matter how bad it gets, you’re loyal. The divide and conquer has worked and now you are his. You can only hope that one day he loses interests and moves on.
While those of you who support and defend R Kelly and others because of their musical talent and creative offerings may not directly engage in the above, you are knowingly enabling the worst kinds of abuse. For that, there are no excuses. For that you are just as bad and just as responsible nonetheless. Are you complicit? The answer is yes.
Lindsay Lyon
